How could that be when you’ve lost your son? When your baby has died? When your heart has been well and truly shattered into a million pieces?
But how about if we looked at it differently?
I have read/heard/seen so many people (not necessarily loss families) on different social media platforms etc express how much they can’t wait for this year to be over and they will all have their own difficult reasons for that. I suppose I felt the same in 2015 after we’d suffered the trauma of an ectopic pregnancy, there had been no joy from that. We had lost a baby, I had lost a fallopian tube and very nearly lost my life. Nothing good had come from that. But even though we have lost another baby in a traumatic way this year, we were also made parents. We gained a son who we will treasure the memory of forever.
2017 to me has been the year of Dexter Bear and actually, I can’t bear for it to be over.
The feelings towards 2017 are so conflicting because when I look back, we have gone from ultimate highs; finding out we were pregnant (even though that was filled with anxiety and worry that it would be another ectopic), having an early scan to reveal our baby wriggling about in the right place with a beautifully strong heartbeat, getting to 12 weeks and being able to reveal our pregnancy, feeling those first flutters turn into kicks, Dave feeling the baby kick, having the most incredible 20 week scan where we found out we were having a boy and my last few pregnancy memories of getting the nursery decorated before we moved into our 23rd week. This was then all smashed to pieces and we were met with the lowest and darkest moments; the panic of my waters going, the worry and hope of the following couple of days to then be told our baby’s heart had stopped beating, to then having to deliver our son who I knew would be silent when he entered the world, listening to Dave phone our family and friends to tell them, coming home to our house that was no longer filled with the joy and excitement that it was a few days previous and then having to plan and attend our son’s funeral. I could go on with many of our lowest points but in fact I want this post to be about Dexter, his beautiful but short life and celebrating his legacy.
As much as this year has been filled with some very low moments I am leaving 2017 with a very heavy heart – it has been the best year of my life. Becoming Dexter’s mummy has been incredible. Along with all the sadness, he has brought such joy. Joy in a way I never imagined and as I held him in my arms on that warm June day, joy I could probably never have envisaged being possible. But what losing Dexter has shown me is how incredibly lucky I am that Dexter chose us. Dave and I get to be his mummy and daddy forever and that can never be taken away. I suppose it is this that keeps me going, gives me the drive to keep talking about him, keep sharing his story and finding ways to honour him – I feel all of that is the very least he deserves when he can’t be here to put his own mark on the world.
For us, 2017 has been all about him – our precious little boy, our shining star, our favourite bear. My heart has been shattered this year and I am learning to live with the fact that it will never be fully repaired, but I’m okay with that because that broken part of my heart will always belong to Dexter Bear.
So here’s to 2018 and whatever lies ahead. I continue to remain hopeful that we will be lucky enough to bring a baby into the world that we can take home but that might not be this year, the next or the year after that but one day. For the meantime though I will always strive to be a good person, I will say if I’m not okay or having a bad day and I will remain an eternal optimist.
Yes this year has been motherfucking hard but my god the word that has stayed constant and true throughout this year is LOVE. And in the end, love is all that matters.
Wishing you all a year that is full of love and memory making,